I remember being sent off to boarding school at age 10 and feeling like what the hell is going on? If you’re imagining a "rich kid, European style boarding school", haha it’s sooo far from it.

Public boarding school in Nigeria - felt like a child labor camp for children whose parents didn’t want to deal with them.

On the one hand, this experience gave me the 2 best friends that make my life so full. On the other hand, it shaped me in ways that continue to surprise me.

I developed a distrust of attachment, deep fear of abandonment, a sense of neglect, detachment from my siblings, a belief that disrupted connection was normal, and developed insane stomach issues that came from being fed shitty food for 6 years straight.

I was tangled up inside, I felt so lost and detached from my life. It took me a long time to get to the point of self-awareness that; blaming my parents or the system, was only increasing my misery, like a lot.

I had to do the work for myself, by myself.

We cannot control the events or situations that shape us and tangle us like a knot we didn’t tie.

What we can control is mustering the courage to say; "what happened to me was so messed up, but I won’t let it write the script for the rest of my life".

And from that mindset shift, starts the treacherous journey of untangling ourselves and boy it takes time.

If you’re on this journey too, maybe you’re fresh on this boat, or you’ve been sailing these high seas for a while; I see you and I feel your pain. You’re not alone.

From my experience, here are a few truths about healing I hope will shine a light, to keep you on the straight and narrow towards rebuilding yourself one small win at a time;

1. You’re not your trauma

Yes what happened to you was terribly life changing, but this doesn’t mean your entire existence has to revolve around the pain and trauma.

There is so much more to you than the pain and I hope you realize this. Your potential is still intact, if you choose to see it and do the sacred work of piecing yourself back together.

The trauma came from events you couldn’t control or process at the time. But you get to choose differently now. To either let the trauma become your whole identity and excuse for not going after the life you really want, or to say "I’m done with this shit".

You’re not your trauma.

2. You cannot skip to the good part

Sorry to break it to you, but you actually have to drag yourself through the mud of your own wreckage, because healing is not a straight line.

One day you’re sure you’ve made progress - the skies are blue, sun is out, you can barely remember what happened. Other days, it all comes rushing in like a flood and you just want to bawl your eyes out and hide under a weighted blanket.

Both scenarios? A perfectly normal part of your healing journey.

Once you develop self-awareness about the crazy stuff that happened to you and how it’s impacting your life, it’s normal to experience;

• Denial; you feel numb to it all, you’re quite shocked that something like this ever happened to you. TF?

• Anger; the reality sets in, the feelings get intense, the shame, guilt and sadness waves come crashing down at your shore.

• You start searching; for answers, for meaning, for why the hell this thing had to happen to you. Confusion increases, desperation peaks, you’re scrambling for air under water.

• You hit rock bottom; It becomes too much, you’re exhausted. You withdraw from connection, or lose interest in the things that typically bring you joy. The sheer weight of it all drives you nuts.

• Acceptance; you’re not necessarily okay with it because life has to go on. So you carry your ball and chain, one day at a time.

• Rebuilding; you start your mental rehab, finding new meaning, new routines, piecing back the puzzle of your identity going forward. Some light at the end of the tunnel afterall.

I’ll tell you this; regression is inevitable, to randomly find yourself angry as hell, even though you accepted the situation years ago.

What matters the most is that you keep moving in the direction of rebuilding – finding new meaning in your life, despite your treacherous past. Fight to find yourself again. HOPE through it all!

You cannot skip to the good part.

3. Grieving is necessary

It’s okay to grieve the version of you without the pain.

It’s okay to grieve your inner child who didn’t get the love they needed to thrive

It’s okay to grieve the parents who didn’t show up for you

It’s okay to grieve the friendships that couldn’t survive who you were becoming

It’s okay to grieve the trust you used to give so easily

It’s okay to grieve the softness you had to give up to protect yourself

It’s okay to grieve the letting go of the familiar weight you’ve had to carry all this time

It’s okay to grieve the future you thought you’d have by now, but missed out on

It’s okay to grieve the milestones you reached alone, without validation or feedback

It’s okay to grieve the ‘what if’s’ you’ll never get an answer to.

It’s okay to grieve it all. To cry and break yourself down.

Then decide who you get to become next and ready…set…go!

Grieving is necessary

4. Your body holds the key

The way you feel instant calm in your body, and your shoulder drops when you walk into a place that feels like home. Is the same way all the trauma, pain and everything else you’ve ever experienced gets registered in your body. (Cue your next read; the body keeps the score by Dr. Bessel van der Kolk).

For example;

Having chronic lower back pain? Often tied to feeling unsupported or insecure about certain areas of your life.

Stomach issues? That’s the gut-brain axis signaling you’re very likely stressed.

Chest tightness or heaviness in your heart? Linked to increased anxiety, grief or a broken heart.

Chronic stress and trauma are proven to dysregulate the autonomic nervous system, increase cortisol and cause real physiological problems. etc

Wherever you’re hanging on to suffering, with your nervous system stuck in flight/ flight /freeze mode, it’s your responsibility to ask your body to tell you where it is and why it hurts. And then listen.

Your body has all the answers and body centered practices like yin yoga, somatic experiencing or breathwork, can help you connect with your body and hear what it has to say.

Your body holds the key.

5. Stop being too nice

Growing up with a narcissistic father meant I developed some serious people pleasing tendencies; the accommodator, anticipator and emotional sponge sandwich combo.

This meant that in adulthood I avoided conflict like the plague and carried myself like a goodie two shoes, yes-ing away to keep the peace and make everyone happy. Horrible!

But in my healing journey I’ve realized that I cannot be responsible for how people perceive me, or respond to what I do or say. It’s too exhausting carrying that backpack full of people pleasing rocks.

I’ve gotten to the point where I no longer need to be liked by everybody, or agreeable all the time. I’m accepting that I can also be messy, difficult, annoying, say the wrong thing, get defensive or even be petty sometimes. I’m a human being for God’s sake.

This doesn’t mean becoming a douche bag, it just means that when you allow yourself to be unfiltered, messy and even a bit chaotic. You access a part of yourself that’s been hiding in the shadows.

And in these moments of "drama’" you realize that - the world doesn’t end when you stop performing, the parts of yourself you’ve been editing were not the problem and you actually begin to like yourself more, not less. New healing level unlocked!

Stop being too nice!

Bottomline;

17 years later, age 33. I can tell you that life is beautiful.

Everything I went through has molded me into the woman I’m still becoming and I’m loving her.

There’s still some pain lingering in the background, even some spicy new stuff that punch me in the gut too.

But the trauma/pain is no longer in the driver’s seat of my life. I’m different, my life keeps unfolding and while there’s still work to be done (always), I’m excited for what the future holds.

I encourage you to get busy creating the life you want and while it takes time to untangle your baggage, I promise it gets lighter and lighter as you walk towards rebuilding.

Until one day you’ll start to run and you’ll feel it.

Self-improvement enthusiast, CBT therapist, with 4 years of experience helping people prioritize their mental health and reclaim their lives. Basilia uses her proven system for retraining the mind, offering practical tools that help people become the version of themselves they need to joyfully thrive, not just survive. It's okay to lean on me.

Basilia Frankel

Good Old Therapy I CBT

About the Author:

Your next read