As a recovering people pleaser myself, let me announce to you that ‘niceness’ without clear boundaries and self-consideration, is the highway to becoming a spineless people pleaser. (Read that again).

And the underlying feeling attached to the action, tells you which party you belong to. Hear me out.

Being nice comes from a place of genuine care and consideration for others. It leaves room for honesty, allowing you to just do you.

People pleasing however, is rooted in fear (of conflict, rejection, disapproval) and usually costs you something – like your time, your truth, or your own needs which sucks!

Being nice is chosen and sustainable – you’d do it again. But people pleasing is compulsive and depleting — you do it to avoid a feeling, not because you actually want to.

Let’s visualize the difference for a second;

Nice; your parents criticize a life choice. You say, "I hear you, and I know you care. I'm still going to do it my way."

People-pleasing: You quietly abandon the choice or agree out loud just to keep the peace, even though you passionately disagree.

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Nice; A coworker asks for help on a project. You say, "I can give you an hour this afternoon, but I can't take this on fully — I have my own deadlines."

People pleasing; You say yes immediately, stay late to do it, and never mention you're now behind on your own work. Arrrghhh!

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Nice; You're tired and a friend wants to vent for the third night in a row. You say, "I care about what you're going through, but I'm low on energy tonight — can we talk tomorrow?"

People-pleasing: You stay up listening anyway, feel drained, and start dreading their calls.

See the difference?

The crazy part is that people pleasing can take a variety of forms like;

1. The accommodator; you’re always accommodating other people and you never have the spine to choose what you really want - like your favorite restaurant, or the next holiday destination with your partner, when asked about it.

Side effects; chronic indecision, feeling lost and disconnected from yourself, inauthenticity, identity confusion, resentment.

2. The Anticipator; you spend insane amounts of mental energy trying to anticipate the needs of others, before they even know they need it. You exhaust yourself trying to avoid any form of disappointment or inconvenience for others, while you take the hit.

Side effects: perfectionism, chronic emotional and mental exhaustion, hypervigilance, difficulty receiving from others, creativity blocks.

3. The emotional sponge; you take full unsolicited responsibility for managing the feelings and emotions of other people. Deep diving into trying to solve problems that are not yours to solve.

Side effects; Emotional depletion, hypervigilance, chronic overthinking and rumination, self-filtering (that ‘walking on egg shells feeling’),

4. The Chronic apologizer; you say "I'm sorry" approximately fifty times a day—for things that aren't yourfault, for having needs, for taking up space, for existing. You apologize for apologizing, creating a cycle that reinforces your belief that you’re somehow always doing something wrong. Jeez!

Side effects; Perpetual victimhood, imposter syndrome, guilt, shame, increase in anxiety.

Ask yourself honestly and without shame; ‘which of these forms of people pleasing resonates with me the most?’

Bravo! You’ve just taken the first step towards healing by growing in self-awareness and admitting your current situation. (Change is possible up ahead!)

[Still not sure if you’re a people pleaser or to what extent? Take a people pleasing assessment on page 48 in my free eBook - The People Pleasers Guide to Freedom.]

People pleasing also rears its ugly head with physical symptoms like;

Chronic headaches, muscle tension, sleep disturbances, digestive problems, compromised immune system which leads to frequent illnesses and so forth.

Basically, pleasing people at your own expense is bad for you and you know it.

So where do you draw the line between being nice and being a people pleaser?

Given the above-mentioned context, are you just a genuinely nice person, or do you realize that you’ve slowly slid into the slippery slope of people pleasing?

How to reclaim your power stat!

1. Notice your patterns and journal it!

Self-awareness = better self-management. To start your journey towards being a nice person with self-respect, start noticing your current patterns of people pleasing.

Identify your triggers; is it specific situations or certain types of people? Maybe its requests from people you want to impress, or authority figures like your boss, or even family gatherings with established dynamics.

Then journal your findings to strengthen your awareness and free up some mental space.

What happened? What made you feel compelled to please? What thoughts and feelings came up during the event? What did you actually do? How did you feel afterwards?

Notice your patterns and journal it!

2. Change your internal narrative

What are your core beliefs around people pleasing? Do you believe; love = self-sacrifice and you’re only valuable when you help others? Or maybe you believe that if you say no, people will reject you and you’ll die alone?

Getting to the root cause of your people pleasing habit, will help you notice your current mindset, so you can change your internal narrative. Because real change starts from the inside out.

Identify your core beliefs around people pleasing and…

…change your internal narrative.

[For exercises to help you identify your core beliefs around people pleasing, page 63 of my free eBook - The People Pleasers Guide to Freedom, will do the trick]

3. Practice the PAUSE technique

When you find yourself in triggering situations try this;

Pause before responding
Ask yourself "What do I actually want here?"

Understand that you have options
Select your response consciously
Express your decision clearly and without rambling explanations.

Start small, in low stakes situations where you feel safe like lunch plans with friends, and work your way up to high stakes situations like saying a big fat NO to your pushy department manager.

4. Create a boundary script beforehand

This may sound ridiculous but having a pre-made script of responses to common situations where you tend to ‘people please’, can be the game changer in training your brain to stop the icky habit.

For example;

For declining requests; "I won't be able to help with that, but thank you for thinking of me."

For expressing needs: "I need some time to think about this before deciding."

Let your list be as long or short as it needs to be.

Practice the responses in the script as much as you need until it feels natural. When the next people pleasing adventure comes knocking, you’ll be locked and loaded, ready to use something from your anti-people pleasing toolbox.

Create a boundary script beforehand.

2. Practice! Practice! Practice!

You won’t wake up one morning and be the nice guy with boundaries, without consistent, often terrifying practice.

Every interaction, conversation and event is a chance for you to put your new found skills to the test and you should do it.

Practice will make you better and better until your scripts become internal programming and your default response in people pleasing situations that pop up.

Practice! Practice! Practice!

[For a complete step by step guide on how to heal from people pleasing, download my free eBook - The People Pleasers Guide to Freedom.]

Bottomline;

Becoming a no-nonsense nice person, starts with noticing why you people please, changing your internal narrative to something more self-valuing, practicing the PAUSE technique and creating scripts to practice until it sticks.

So what actually happens when you’re still nice, but with a splash of boundaries and a hefty dose of self-love and consideration for yourself (instead of the usual doormat people pleasing?)

Finally, you can breathe and you have the energy to actually do the things that light you up. Your mind feels clearer, your body feels lighter.

You find peace in saying no when you really don’t feel like doing something. And joy in saying yes from a place of care, wanting to help the people in your life. You make decisions that feel authentic to you.

When you start putting yourself first, it’s easier to show up for others in ways that are meaningful and deepen the connection.

Basically, you start giving from a full cup, instead of an empty, resentful cup.

When you leave people pleasing by the way side, you become like a tree that finally grows towards its own sunlight, instead of under everyone else’s shade.

Life becomes simple, with clear skies and the new and improved you, building self-resilience and honoring yourself with every no.

Self-improvement enthusiast, CBT therapist, with 4 years of experience helping people prioritize their mental health and reclaim their lives. Basilia uses her proven system for retraining the mind, offering practical tools that help people become the version of themselves they need to joyfully thrive, not just survive. It's okay to lean on me.

Basilia Frankel

Good Old Therapy I CBT

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