In the last 3 months I’ve been feeling a bit out of whack, tired and unclear. Nothing felt wrong enough to crisis about, but things just felt off - like finding yourself in a party you weren’t invited to.

Maybe it’s because I just moved, from my dear apartment downtown to a house in the suburbs. Maybe it’s my 3.5 and 1.5 year old’s both in a phase of no, no, no, throwing tantrums that leave me exhausted before 7am. Maybe it’s my bad habit of going to bed at midnight for months in a row. Maybe and more maybes.

Bottomline, I felt a disconnect that I couldn’t quite pin point. With my mind, my soul and body. And no amount of grounding seemed to calm my nervous system enough, or reduce my anxious thoughts longer than 10minutes.

It took me sometime to articulate that I’ve been in a ‘confusion phase’ aka a time where you’re doing everything right but internally there’s a sense of restlessness.

Where you feel like you’re going through the motions, but you’re not sure what to do about it.

If you find yourself in this puzzling phase too, here are 5 realizations that have helped me (still helping me) get through this seemingly ‘rough patch’ in the road, maybe it’ll help you too:

1. Confusion = your cue to self-reflect

When life feels repetitive, foggy, decisions feel harder to make, with your days busy as ever, and you’re not sure what you want anymore. Consider it your cue to step on the brakes, get off the driver’s seat of your daily grind and self-reflect.

Grab a pen and a journal and Ask yourself;

• What’s on my mind? Journal your thoughts to untangle and access aspects of your mind you’ve thrown in the ‘ignore’ bin for a while.

• Process your thoughts by writing it down on paper, 5 mins a day for 3 days (or more as you please).

• What ‘big/small changes’ have occurred in my life in the last 3 months?

• What does this phase of my life feel like?

• What aspects of myself have I been ignoring?

• What do I need right now?

• What am I looking forward to?

Asking myself these questions helped me realize that I’ve been low key stressed about moving to a new place and how it’ll affect the kids. Plus adjusting to a new environment, encountering new problems like hunting cat poop around the yard, was causing some background noise that I pushed aside.

Then there’s the added worries about keeping up with house maintenance, school zonings, higher electricity bills and all the new problems that pop up, even from positive change.

While I’m looking forward to settling in and making the house, home, I pushed aside the fact that these were relatively draining situations that required me to adapt quickly.

And this self-denial manifested as an increase in anxiety, poor sleep habits and the whole stressful package.

Answering these questions honestly, has helped me take stock of the current events in my life, acknowledge my feelings and allow myself indulge in some chocolate after dinner as I sit with said feelings.

I’m also accepting that it’s okay to not have all the answers right now. I have time and it's okay to make peace with the questions too.

This acceptance has granted me the permission to give myself what I need in this phase of my life; which is to slow things all the way down and just enjoy the wind blowing against my face while I hang the laundry.

Everything is okay right now after all.

It’s no surprise the increased anxiety has gone down a notch.

Confusion = your cue to self-reflect.

2. Your narrative makes all the difference

They say life is how you choose to see it and I couldn’t agree more. Your reality is a reflection of your thoughts, emotional state, actions/inactions and the internal narrative you choose.

I’ve come to realize that confusion = transition phase

That awkward in-between of becoming something new.

When life is calm and things feel steady, it’s easy to dillydally with the days, overindulge in the comfort, get complacent and start to feel bored with the mundane, complaining (a lot) too.

But in comes the confusion or a sense of it and all the sudden the pot is stirred. It’s uncomfortable, but alas! You feel alive again.

When you feel confused about what to do next, you could either tell yourself; "I thought I’d have figured out my shit by now, I’m such a failure,” and then solo dance at your self-pity party.

Or you could acknowledge that you’re going through a transition season and while it feels weird and a bit embarrassing, this chapter is okay and necessary in your becoming.

Accepting this allows you to breathe in deep 3, 2, 1 and release slowly, give yourself some gentle care and find ways to support yourself through it.

And the great news is that you’ll feel better, see clearer and be more open to receive what this phase has in store for you, so you can make the most of it.

Your narrative makes all the difference

3. You’re on the cusp of a growth spurt

That you don’t feel anything grand happening right now, doesn’t mean positive change isn’t building up in the background of your life. (Please read that again).

Slow progress is still progress.

Confusion at first might feel daunting, overwhelming, even annoying like a setback. But oftentimes confusion shows up as redirection, a transformation, a pivot, even an upgrade to your mental, spiritual and emotional OS.

Sometimes it’s an expansion of your self-awareness, other times it’s a revisit of past wounds to show you where you still need to heal - because who you were and who you’re becoming, need time to negotiate.

Either way, something new is on the horizon and what comes next is entirely up to you.

Instead of floating in my misery soup, I chose to get the hell out of dodge and see this ‘confusion phase’ as a recalibration, a realignment, and a chance to rediscover and reinvent myself.

This mindset shift has given me so much hope and excitement for the future that I’ve taken up DIY projects like painting in the garden, learning to play the piano and I get bonus points because these activities reduce my screen time.

Crazy how I now appreciate this phase of my life as exactly what I’ve needed for a while.

You’re on the cusp of a growth spurt.

4. Confusion phase attracts conflict

I recently got blocked by an acquaintance who felt offended by something I said. From my end, I saw through their victim BS and attempted to show them a different perspective.

Old me would have ruminated, overanalyzed the situation, be massively distracted by my thoughts for weeks and even grow resentful.

But Basilia 2.0 realized that I said what I said, as an aftereffect of working on my people pleasing tendencies. And while it stung to be rejected, it felt sooo good to practice my improved skills and say what I really wanted to (with kindness of course.)

Still, I cannot control how I’m perceived by others, or what might trigger someone to do whatever they choose to. And it hit me that, if the person cared at all about the relationship or understanding better, they would give me the space to clarify or apologize, which they didn’t do, so good riddance.

Don’t get me wrong I still think about the situation every couple of days, but it doesn’t take up my mental space and ruin my days, thank goodness.

Basically, in this level of the game, expect conflict (both internal and external) that will test you in the areas of your life where you wish you had more sails to weather the storm.

And every time you choose to do things differently - in a way that feels authentically you - you add one small win under your confidence boosting belt. Yay!

Confusion phase attracts conflict

5. Trust the confusion

In the context of confusion, trust doesn’t mean enjoying the phase because it kind of sucks. It means not fighting the current, but letting it take you where it needs to.

Trusting the confusion is resisting the urge to make big impulsive decisions just to feel like you’re moving, and not forcing clarity before it’s ready to arrive.

It’s choosing curiosity over catastrophizing, and realizing that you don’t need to have all the answers right now. Time and patience.

Know that the confusion is working in silence, sorting through what no longer fits, what you actually want vs what you’ve been conditioned to want, and who you are underneath all the roles you’ve been playing. Let it do the heavy lifting.

Try this:

Noticing what drains you (to let it go) and what lights you up (to sustain or increase it)

Looking back on previous ‘confusion phases’ to remind yourself that you’ve been through this show before and you did come out the other side. What helped? What did you learn about yourself back then? New insights will emerge.

Talk to someone who will hold space with you without judgement.

Because truth is, you can’t think your way out of a confusion phase, you can only walk through it. And in the most random space and time, it resolves on its own. Clarity at the end of the road.

For me, worrying drained the heck out of me. Making an effort to let it go has helped me do more of what makes me feel so good, like spending quality time playing with the kids.

Trust the confusion.

Bottomline

You’re fine!

I know this phase feels like a wet blanket on a cold night, but I promise, it’s a normal part of ‘growing up’ into the person of your dreams.

Everything is okay, you’re not broken, you’re not behind, you’re just leveling up and you have to defeat the evil boss first.

I'm still in this phase, but understanding it's purpose has made me more calm, open and receptive.

Once you create the space to self-reflect, choose a hopeful narrative and make the necessary moves to pass the test, you’ll see that this confusion phase was the jelly to your peanut butter toast you needed all along. Trust it!

Best believe you’re on the right track and we’re in this together.

As always, I stay rooting for you.

Self-improvement enthusiast, virgo writer, CBT therapist, with 4 years of experience helping people prioritize their mental health and reclaim their lives. Basilia uses her proven system for retraining the mind, offering practical tools that help people become the version of themselves they need to joyfully thrive, not just survive. It's okay to lean on me.

Basilia Frankel

Good Old Therapy I CBT

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