What is the cause of all your suffering?

Is it your traumatizing childhood? Your failed relationships? Or the stubborn 5kg postpartum weight, you can’t seem to shake?

It’s so easy to blame the world, our parents, or the neighbor’s whiny dog for our problems in life. But these things all have one thing in common;

They are out of our control.

And so, we slide down the rabbit hole of misery - pointing fingers, wasting so much time and energy. Sacrificing our peace of mind looking outward, begging for acknowledgement, closure and a Messiah - when all we needed all along was to look inward.

If it hasn't clicked yet, the real cause of all your suffering is YOU – focusing on what you can’t control.

Because we can only control our perceptions, our judgement and actions. And expending our precious life force on anything else, only prolongs our suffering.

Of course, this doesn’t discredit how our inherited beliefs, environments or treacherous circumstances shaped our reality and molded us into the person we are today.

It just means that at some point down the road, we have to take a long hard look in the mirror and see things for what they really are – that anything outside of your own mind , is out of your hands and you can choose differently.

This post is my attempt to be your mirror, channeling CBT with a splash of Stoic wisdom to show you that you have everything within you to stop the madness, to break free from whatever chains you’ve chosen to bind yourself with.

I want to help you identify some of the ways you’ve been holding yourself back from experiencing peace of mind, creating joyful moments and doing whatever awesome stuff you dream about and have immense potential for.

Reading this may feel like tough love, or could even be triggering, but I implore you to walk with me as we reflect together.

Here are 10 things that could be prolonging your suffering (foolproof exercises to break fre included):

1. Clinging to your opinions

Every event is objective – it is what it is. But it’s our opinion or judgement of it that makes it either good, bad or unbearable.

We cannot control the things that happen to us, what we can control and should actively control, is how we respond to it. (You’ll read this a million more times in this post, so heads up! Lol)

Yes, bad stuff does happen, and some people take pride in doing annoying things. But you get to choose if the comment your friend made was actually condescending, or if she was just having a hard day and responded mindlessly.

Adopting a habit of being generous in our assumptions of events and people (giving them the benefit of the doubt) loosens the tight screw in our head and lightens our mental load.

Exercise;

Learn to question everything. Why do you believe this? What about the situation is making you feel like crap? Could there be an alternative/objective narrative? Choose your narrative wisely!

Clinging to your opinions is prolonging your suffering.

2. Expecting people to be in your life forever

I read a quote on a Substack that roughly said “People are experiences - they come and go. Some people we experience for a season, others teach us a lesson and some stay with us for a lifetime. Knowing how to tell the difference is a real skill worth learning.”

The amount of energy I’ve spent grieving all the people in my life that could have stayed (family included) can be used to power a small fridge.

Seriously, how much time and mental capacity have you spent wondering what you did wrong or why the other person treated you poorly?

Holding on is draining, physically painful and just the absolute worst feeling. Still, this self-inflicted pain, we have the power to change it.

Accepting that not everyone you meet will be a lifer, is both freeing and allows you to bask in the experience of connection regardless of the outcome.

Exercise;

Reflect on your life and think about the people you’ve encountered over-time.

See if you can categorize them as people who were there for a season, a lesson or a lifetime.

Notice the behaviors of the people in each category, write it down.

When you encounter people henceforth, really listen to what they say in conversation and notice what comes after their actions.

Based on the patterns you’ve recognized, what category do they fit into?

This will help you grow in self-awareness, so you can build the skill of knowing who is who in your life and choose how to invest your energy accordingly. Calm in the storm of relationships after all.

Expecting people to be in your life forever is prolonging your suffering.

3. Resisting the natural flow of life

Life is in phases. Sometimes we’re flying high, living it up like a damned fool. And other times, the days feel like trying to survive winter in a cold house.

But that’s life, it happens to us when we least expect it. And our only defense is our response in any given situation or place.

This is why when we try to avoid bad things from happening. We end up going full steam ahead towards misery – life sucks, we get bitter, we overindulge, or stop participating in the small joys of being alive.

Bad things will happen. The question then is not why did this bad thing happen to me and why do I have to suffer. But the question from a self-aware mind becomes;

How can I prepare myself mentally, physically and spiritually to go through what life might send down my alley, with more calm and grace?

How can I become more mentally flexible, resilient and proactive in handling my shit? This bit is within your control and focusing on that helps you feel more at peace within yourself because you’re preparing.

And as you’ll come to realize, preparation + opportunity = luck!

Resisting the natural flow of life is prolonging your suffering.

4. Not training yourself

The life you dream about is built on the foundation of small habits you choose every day. No fancy schedules, just a simple ‘choosing a chicken salad over pizza’ kind of habits – one day at a time.

Good health and a sound mind in the future is built on healthy eating, being active physically and constantly enriching your mind the things that give you meaning and spark joy.

So why do we have a long to do list of excuses ready to indulge in? Why do we do this to ourselves, yet blame the world for our woes?

Training yourself means making a conscious effort to ditch the things that are out of your control and engaging the things that are within your control. It means choosing to do the things that enrich us mentally, physically and emotionally.

It means setting boundaries with others and especially setting boundaries with ourselves - not indulging our every whim.

Exercise;

Say this with me; “I’m done saying yes to everything I want that is not in line with what I really need. From today onwards I choose to say no and set healthy boundaries with myself and others in ways that future me will appreciate. Today, I say no to …. [insert whatever has got you on a chokehold. List as many that apply to you, don’t be shy] This is within my power to change."

Get comfortable declining short-term pleasure like smoking cigarettes on your lunch break, for long term gain like building a sound body and mind.

Not training yourself is prolonging your suffering.

4. Expecting a vacation/something outside yourself to fix your problems.

How many times have you tried to escape your problems? You tell yourself ‘after things settle down, I’ll finally be happy’ or ‘A vacation is what I need to re-balance and refresh my mental space.'

But when has this really worked? Sometimes the ‘vacation’ becomes another source of stress – with delayed flights and an Airbnb that didn’t match the online pictures.

After the event we hoped would make us happy, something else pops up and it's rinse and repeat.

But what if I told you, you could find peace within yourself right now without needing to do something outside yourself that is out of your control?

Right here now, you can calm your mind, sip some water and find joy in being alive.

Exercise;

Ditch the screens and lay your back down on the sofa. Turn on music that calms you. Close your eyes and breathe as you listen. Retreat into your own mind. Choose to find peace within yourself now, no escapism necessary.

Think about what calms you down and forces you to let go. Do what feels right for you.

Expecting a vacation or something outside yourself to fix your problems is prolonging your suffering.

5. Getting caught in the web of comparison

In this age of social media, ‘almighty AI’ and all the other technologies that we didn’t ask for; it’s easy to get caught up in the curated ads of other people’s lives, feeling like “my life sucks!”.

Meanwhile, you have no idea that the lady who just posted on Facebook about shopping in Dubai, is in an abusive relationship, with divorce on the horizon.

That’s the thing, you never really know what’s going on behind closed doors and frankly, why should you care?

Whether your life sucks, or feels soo good like strawberry cheesecake ice cream on a hot summer day - is entirely up to you.

Because you can control your self-perception and actions. Everything else, including the woulda, coulda, should haves, is a drain on your priceless life force.

You have the power to become the best version of yourself right now. Use it!

Exercise;

The next time you find yourself comparing – say out loud ‘this person’s life has nothing to do with me and I don’t care’. (Or choose a no nonsense mantra that resonates with you). Repeat this anytime the comparison robbers come knocking at your door. Notice what happens overtime.

Make a habit of reviewing your day at the end of the day. Ask yourself, "what did I do well? What made me feel more relaxed and safer within my body? What made me tense and wanting to run away? How can I do better?"

Get busy feeding your mind and soul with more of what you want to become. Do the work of enriching your life and embodying the role as the main character in your own Netflix series – so you can show up for yourself from a place of strength and pour into others from a full cup, not a leaky one.

Getting caught in the web of comparison is prolonging your suffering.

7. Putting people on a pedestal

Just because someone is a CEO, has a million dollars in the bank, or has many friends, doesn’t mean they’re not carrying their own chunky baggage.

Because; people are people - human, flawed. They mostly care about themselves, their interests, and they have their own internal/external narratives – just like you.

This is not to say that there are no genuinely great people out there, there’s tons of them. It just means that even great people have their own show going on and we should accept that no one has all the answers but us.

And the issue with putting people on a pedestal is that we start to see ourselves through the eyes of the other person. We hang on to their every word, copy/paste their ideas and lifestyle even though it’s the blues to our jazz.

We lose ourselves in the shadow of some imaginary figurehead, our authenticity takes the back seat, we struggle to make decisions that make us feel safe within ourselves. Our inner critic gets megaphone loud because we’re looking outside of ourselves for validation - disregarding our own internal compass.

Yes, you can be impressed by people, gain perspective and inspiration from them (it’s valuable). But you can’t let someone else’s opinions direct the movie of your life.

Because nobody knows you like you do.

And the truth is, seeing people as what they are, people; opens your eyes to their external narrative as just that; a narrative, not the whole truth pie.

Exercise;

Who in your life is currently on a pedestal and why?

How has this affected your relationship with yourself?

How can you reconnect with yourself and your intuition?

Learn to build your intuition with intense self-reflection and a splash of trial and error. This will lead you towards trusting yourself more. Because you’re the only one that has the full picture of your life.

You'll develop a bit more empathy for yourself, others and you'll stop taking things personal when the people you ‘idolize’ show you they’re simple human – smelly farts and all.

Putting people on a pedestal is prolonging your suffering.

8. Minimizing your pain to accommodate someone else’s pain

Have you ever had a conversation with someone where they tell you something rough they’re going through. And for some reason when they ask how you’re doing, you filter yourself to avoid mentioning your current struggles - because you perceive it as “less important?”.

While it might seem "like the moral thing to do", you’re actually emotionally invalidating yourself, denying your pain, and silencing yourself even though you want to scream inside your car.

This can lead to performance fatigue in your relationships which kills intimacy, resentment, emotional loneliness, increased anxiety and rumination around self-expression, and a growing sense that you’re either ‘too much’ or ‘not enough’

Doesn’t matter what anyone around you is going through, your pain and struggles don’t need to be on steroids to deserve airtime.

Because suffering isn’t ranked by severity, but by how much it’s affecting you.

Your feelings deserve to be felt and processed too. You get to control if your voice is heard and you hold the key to open the door to feel seen.

This is not about lacking empathy or playing the victim, it’s about acknowledging that real connection requires vulnerability. And the pain of others does not win over yours.

Your feelings are valid too.

Exercise;

Notice how often you censor yourself. Why do you do it and how does it make you feel afterwards? How does this self-censorship trickle into other areas of your life? Practice speaking up for yourself.

Minimizing your pain to accommodate someone else’s pain, is prolonging your suffering.

9. Not taking action towards the life you want

When was the last time you actually followed through on the promises you made to yourself?

Trust in yourself doesn’t happen by chance, it has to be earned!

Not taking any action towards the life you want so badly, or towards who you want to become, is how you lose confidence in yourself and destroy your self-esteem.

Only you can change your life; by adjusting your perceptions, beliefs and actions.

You’ll only pass your driving test if you follow the instructions of your instructor to the T.

Therapy will only change you if you do the inner self-work based on the guidance and support you receive.

You have to take the action. This is within your control.

Not taking action towards the life you want is prolonging your suffering

10. Believing that hard things are bad

Ask yourself:

All the hard things I’ve ever experienced, did it finish me, or did I come through the other side a better version of myself?

Say this out loud; “Hard things are exactly what I need if I want my life to be beautiful.”

No good thing ever came from ease, coca cola and avoidance. Matter of fact, happiness is not our natural state of being. Rather we choose calm and peace consciously. We create the reality we want to have with our words, actions and states of being.

Endless good times make us complacent and bored. Hard times remind us we’re alive, it strengthens our resolve and gives us something to work on and hope for.

Hard is your friend. Embrace it!

Believing that hard things are bad is prolonging your suffering.

Bottomline;

Did I rock your world with this post? Maybe I even sounded like an angry dad yelling at you. But however you perceive this post is up to you and what you choose to focus on.

The bottom line is that focusing on what we can control is the key to peace of mind. Because everything else only increases our suffering, making the days feel like a drag.

Flip the script!

Notice your patterns, adjust them. Remind yourself that anything outside of your control is not worth the brain drain. Choose to focus on you, your growth and intentional action.

Start listening to your intuition by creating the peace and calm to receive inspiration

Start respecting yourself and building your self-confidence by doing hard things.

Remember, you cannot change anything outside of your mind, but when you change yourself, everything changes. Truly magical!

I stay rooting for you.

Writing is my first love! Self-improvement enthusiast, virgo, philosophizer, CBT therapist - with 4 years experience helping people untangle and embrace their becoming. My proven system for retraining the mind + practical tools, helps people find the answers for themselves, so they can joyfully thrive, not just survive. It's okay to lean on me.

Basilia Frankel

Good Old Therapy I CBT

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