When life happens and reality hits like a brick out of the blue, how do you respond?

Like getting fired from a job that was tied to your identity, saying yes when every part of you was screaming noooo, or even losing trust in someone you thought was safe.

Do you get defensive, avoid the feelings, isolate yourself. Do you try to numb the pain by binging TikTok videos, video gaming until 2am, overindulging in French fries and Pepsi?

Or do you soak it all in, let yourself feel and go through it to the other side?

We can’t control the things that happen to us, but we can control how we respond to them.

As you already know, uncomfortable emotions like guilt, shame, or fear of rejection are a normal response to life and it’s endless curveballs.

The issue is not the feeling, it's the response to it.

When you don’t process your feelings, they snowball into increase in anxiety, stress, avoidance, overindulging in vices, regression into old patterns of thinking/behaviors and other unpleasantries that we’d rather dump by the way side.

That’s the thing about feelings, you’re meant to feel them, not scroll them away.

But when you allow yourself feel, you make space for healing, growth and you remind yourself that you’re only human after-all. Practice will make you better at feeling and this will boost your confidence, sense of self-worth, which will trickle into every area of your life.

Basically, you build emotional resilience overtime.

It’s not just negative feelings that need processing, it’s also positive feelings. Because if we only process pain, we train our brain to only look for it and that sucks!

We process positive feelings because happiness unprocessed, becomes happiness unremembered. Good feelings deserve to land too.

We need to recognize what about the situation made us feel good and at peace with our response, so we can replicate it where possible.

Was it the external validation that made you feel good, or was it your internal realization that you handled the situation better than the last time?

Whatever feelings you experience, you’re meant to feel it all. The good, bad and even fugly feelings. It’s what makes you feel alive.

If you’re tired of your usual avoidance routine and ready to stop running away from your feelings, this is your cue.

Here’s how to get comfortable sitting with your emotions and processing them; like basically checking the ‘terms and conditions’ of your emotional life - so you can learn and get past it pronto.

1. Self-reflect and name the feeling

The next time life shakes you up and your first instinct is to outsource the job to Neflix, snacks, and selective amnesia. Stop and ask yourself; What just happened? What am I feeling right now? Why do I feel this way?

Yes, you missed your flight and it's annoying af, but how’re you feeling about it? Sad, embarrassed, guilty? Or maybe it’s not the missed flight you’re mad about, but realizing that you ignoring the overwhelm you’ve been feeling lately and procrastinating your rest, led you to this missed flight?

Getting down to the bottom of what’s going on and naming the feeling allows you to process the situation, the feeling that follows, understand the role you played in it and accept the situation.

Not because it’s ideal, but because it’s what you need to do to learn from it and move on.

Self-reflect and name the feeling.

[Checkout the Free Emotions glossary to help you identify how you're really feeling and name it]

2. Check in with your body

Your body knows! It's a signal sending machine that always has something to say - if you’ll just pause and listen.

Listening to your body starts with checking in to see if you’re feeling tired, energized, refreshed, clear, tense, relaxed etc and collecting that as data.

Ask; Where do I feel this in your body?

Lie down flat on your back, eyes closed, breathe in and out, settle into your body and just feel.

Then follow up with; what does my body need right now?

Is it rest, gentle movement, a good cry, diaphragmatic breathing, or drinking something warm like a cup of ginger tea?

You’ll realize that your body has a lot to say about certain situations, the people you spend time with, your eating habits, the movies you watch and a lot more than you realize.

Tune in and start listening to what your body has to say about situations or people in your daily life.

The headache that shows up every Sunday evening like clock work because you hate your job? Feeling mentally drained after interacting with the friend - you secretly can't stand? Craving comfort food when what you actually need is comfort?

Addressing your body’s needs will help you process your feelings instead of avoiding it like checking your bank account after a ‘treat yourself’ weekend. Just do it!

Check in with your body.

3. Feel, don’t avoid!

Whatever feelings you have about a situation or a person, needs to be felt and processed in order for you to move on to the next.

Feeling your feelings means understanding the feeling by naming it, realizing the why and accepting that you feel that way right now. And just sitting with it like letting bread rise – you can’t rush it, you just have to give it time and space.

When the urge comes to avoid and distract yourself with cheap dopamine, stop and choose differently. Stop running away from the very thing trying to heal you.

Give yourself the space to feel, because avoiding only leads to more misery down the road.

Then engage the feeling by doing something to support yourself in your feelings.

Engaging your feelings looks like this;

Feeling sad about getting older and recalibrating expectations? Engage the feeling by;

• Giving yourself the permission to just feel sad

• Checking in with your body to see where it hurts

• Going for a slow walk without headphones and noticing what comes up

• Journaling without self-censorship, just letting it pour out of you messy and unfiltered.

• Creating a playlist that matches the mood of how you feel right now, not attempting to cheer yourself out of it (the time for that will come)

• Dancing or stomping your feet to move the feeling through your body.

• Taking a nap.

• Calling up your bestie to rant and maybe cry a little

• Reminding yourself that the feeling hurts right now but it's guaranteed to pass

Feelings fade faster when you engage them, instead of running faster than Usain Bolt.

Feel, don’t avoid!

4. This too shall pass

Remember when you thought you’d never get over the breakup with your ex and here you are, a year in and already consumed by something else – barely thinking about it?

Well, feelings whether good or bad pass, like waves, always moving, because they’re not meant to last forever.

When big or small feelings arise, remind yourself that...

...this too shall pass.

Bottomline;

How’re you feeling today?

Avoiding your feelings is like debt with interest, the longer you leave it, the more it costs you. But feeling your feelings is like paying the debt off early, it sucks in the moment but you break free sooner.

When the unexpected happens, self reflect and name the feeling, check in with your body, feel don’t avoid and remember that this too shall pass. You've got this!

Self-improvement enthusiast, CBT therapist, with 4 years of experience helping people prioritize their mental health and reclaim their lives. Basilia uses her proven system for retraining the mind, offering practical tools that help people become the version of themselves they need to joyfully thrive, not just survive. It's okay to lean on me.

Basilia Frankel

Good Old Therapy I CBT

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