We all have moments where we feel stuck, unsure of what we truly want in life. It can be unsettling, like standing in front of a blank canvas with no idea where to begin, or trying to get my toddler to eat his vegetables - no clue! Perhaps you feel a vague sense of dissatisfaction with your current life or career, or maybe you’re feeling pulled in several directions at once, leaving you overwhelmed and confused. In any case, not knowing what you want can lead to frustration, indecision, and a sense of stagnation.

If this sounds familiar, know that you're not alone. In my work as a therapist, I’ve often heard people express the frustration of feeling lost, stuck, or directionless. These feelings can become overwhelming, but the good news is that you don’t have to stay in that mental fog forever. You can take meaningful steps to untangle your thoughts, gain clarity, and finally figure out what you really want from life. (YAY!)

Why You Feel Stuck

Before diving into how to gain clarity, let’s take a moment to understand why you might be feeling uncertain. A few common reasons might be that you have:

1. Too many options: When there are countless paths you could take in life—career changes, relationships, personal goals—making a decision can feel daunting. The abundance of choice can leave you paralyzed, afraid of making the wrong move.

2. Fear of failure or rejection: Sometimes, our fear of failure or disappointment stops us from even considering what we truly want. It’s easier to stay indecisive than to risk feeling vulnerable or exposed.

3. Lack of self-awareness: You may feel disconnected from your own values, desires, or passions. Without a clear sense of what’s meaningful to you, it’s tough to decide what you want.

4. External pressures: Society, family, or friends may have certain expectations about how your life should look. Trying to live up to these external pressures can cause you to lose touch with your own desires.

Whatever the cause of your confusion, know that you’re not stuck forever. The process of gaining clarity begins with learning to listen to yourself more deeply and understanding what truly matters to you.

Step 1: Pause and Acknowledge Where You Are

The first step in figuring out what you want is to pause and give yourself permission to feel uncertain. It’s okay not to have everything figured out. In fact, that’s a normal part of life. We live in a world that often praises certainty and clear goals, but it's important to honor the moments when you're unsure. Being kind and compassionate toward yourself is crucial in this process.

Take a moment to sit with that feeling of uncertainty without judgment. Breathe through it. Acknowledge it. "I don’t know what I want right now, and that’s okay." This act of self-acceptance creates space for exploration and growth, rather than intensifying frustration.

Step 2: Unravel Your Thoughts

Often, the feeling of not knowing what you want comes from a tangled web of thoughts and emotions. On average we have over 60,000 thoughts per day, so there’s likely a lot going on in your head, and that mental clutter makes it hard to identify your desires. Think of your mind like a knot of yarn—pulling too hard on any one thread only tightens the knot. Instead, you need to gently tease apart the strands.

Journaling Exercise

One simple yet powerful way to untangle your thoughts is through journaling. Here’s a helpful exercise:

• Find a quiet space and grab a journal or notebook.

• Set a timer for 10 minutes and write freely about what’s been on your mind. Don’t worry about structure, grammar, or spelling—just let your thoughts spill onto the page. This is a space for you to be raw and honest.

After your 10 minutes of free writing, go back and read what you wrote. Do you notice any recurring themes or emotions? Are there any specific fears, hopes, or desires that stand out? Highlight or underline anything that seems important.

This exercise helps externalize your thoughts, which can provide clarity. When everything stays bottled up inside, it feels more chaotic and overwhelming. Seeing your thoughts on paper can free up some mental space and bring a sense of organization and calm.

Step 3: Reflect on Your Values and Passions

If you don’t know what you want, it might be because you're out of touch with what really matters to you. Sometimes, the hustle and busyness of life pull us away from our core values and passions. Taking time to reconnect with these can provide the guidance you need.

Questions to Consider:

• What excites you? Think about the last time you felt genuinely excited or passionate about something. What were you doing? What activities make you lose track of time? These are often clues to what lights you up.

• What do you deeply care about? Consider the causes, ideas, or values that you care deeply about. For example, you may care about helping others, creativity, environmental sustainability, or learning new skills. Your values act as a compass to help you determine the right direction.

• Who do you admire? Sometimes, looking at the people you admire can give insight into your own desires. Who are your role models, and what do they stand for? How do they live their lives? What resonates with you about them?

Your values and passions are unique to you, and when you’re living in alignment with them, you’re more likely to feel fulfilled and content. Take time to reflect on what really matters to you at a core level, not just what you think you "should" want based on external expectations or social media.

Step 4: Explore Different Possibilities

Once you’ve spent some time reflecting on your values and passions, it’s time to start exploring possibilities. This doesn’t mean you need to have it all figured out immediately. Instead, think of this step as an experiment—try new things and see what resonates.

Start Small

You don’t need to overhaul your entire life overnight. Start by taking small baby steps toward exploration. For example:

• If you're curious about a new career path, take an online course or attend a workshop in that area to get a feel for it.

• If you’ve been thinking about exploring a creative hobby, try dedicating one evening a week to painting, writing, or photography, whatever floats your boat.

• If you’re interested in personal growth, commit to reading one book a month on a subject that inspires you.

These small experiments allow you to dip your toes into new waters without the pressure of making life-altering decisions. As you try different things, pay attention to how they make you feel. Do they energize and excite you, or do they leave you feeling drained? Let your emotions guide you toward what feels meaningful.

Step 5: Challenge Your Fears

If you feel stuck, fear is likely playing a role in your indecision. Fear of failure, fear of judgment, fear of not being good enough—all of these can keep you from moving forward.

It’s important to acknowledge these fears without letting them paralyze you. Start by identifying what you’re afraid of. Then, challenge those fears with a more balanced perspective. For example:

• Fear: "What if I try something new and fail?"

• Challenging thought: "Failure is part of growth. Even if I fail, I’ll learn something valuable that will help me in the future."

Fear often thrives in the unknown, but when you bring your fears into the light and question them, they lose their power. Taking action despite your fears, even in small ways, helps you build confidence and resilience overtime.

Step 6: Make Space for Flexibility

One thing I often remind clients is that you don’t need to have a rigid, fixed idea of what you want in life. Your desires, interests, and goals will evolve over time, and that’s okay. Being flexible allows you to adapt and change as you grow, rather than feeling trapped by one set plan.

Think of this journey as a process of self discovery. It’s not about getting everything perfect right away—it’s about staying open to possibilities and learning more about yourself along the way. Life is a series of twists and turns, and sometimes the best experiences come from unexpected directions.

Step 7: Practice Self-Compassion

As you navigate this process, remember to practice self-compassion. It’s easy to be hard on yourself for not knowing what you want, but self-criticism only adds to the pressure and stress. Instead, treat yourself with a hefty dose of kindness and patience.

Remind yourself that it’s normal to feel uncertain at times, and give yourself credit for taking steps toward clarity. Every small action you take—whether it’s reflecting, journaling, or trying something new—is progress. Trust that with time and effort, you will gain more clarity and confidence.

Conclusion: Embracing the Journey Toward Clarity

Figuring out what you want in life is not always easy, but it’s a journey worth taking. By detangling your thoughts, reconnecting with your values, and exploring new possibilities, you can move closer to a life of purpose and contentment.

The process of gaining clarity may take time, but that’s okay. Be patient with yourself and trust that with each step, you are moving in the right direction. The answers you seek will come, often when you least expect them. For now, focus on listening to yourself, honoring your needs, and taking small, intentional steps toward a life that feels truly fulfilling. Cheers to clarity!