If the million-dollar question on your mind is “how do I love myself?” You’re not alone. Even though we hear about self-love all the time, it can often feel like a viral TikTok trend that we have no clue how it started, or how to learn that silly little dance. Worse, we struggle to find an answer that feels genuine, lasting or even practical like a recipe for the perfect banana bread.

Loving oneself can feel like a lifelong challenge, especially in a world that worships external validation, perfectionism and comparison. Still, the journey toward self-love is deeply personal and transformative, rooted in self-compassion and free from any need to earn your worth because you’re already worthy…just as you are.

This blog post will explore the building blocks of unconditional self-love, offering practical steps to finally answer your question and develop a loving relationship with yourself, free from judgment or conditions – as it should be.

Whether you’re new to the idea of self-love, or seeking deeper ways to embrace it, this guide offers compassionate, therapeutic tools to cultivate a healthier, more resilient sense of self-worth.

Understanding self-love: What does it mean to love yourself unconditionally?

If the first thing that comes to mind when you think of self-love is self-care, positive affirmations, or self-esteem, you are half-way right. While these are all important aspects, truly loving yourself goes beyond any individual action or thought.

Unconditional self-love means accepting, valuing, and respecting yourself regardless of your circumstances, weird habits, or binge cycles. It’s embracing your authentic self; the one with the dry humor, treating yourself with compassion especially when you mess up, and developing an internal relationship that is supportive, resilient and kind.

Why is self-love important?

Loving yourself unconditionally is the blue pill for a happier, more "I don't give a f**k" kind of life because you care less about what's outside, and more about what's inside and makes you whole.

When you love yourself, it boosts your mental health, builds resilience, and fosters a strong sense of self-worth; the kind where Instagram likes mean nothing to you. You can better handle life's challenges, set healthy boundaries and cultivate more meaningful relationships when you operate from a place of love, not fear or hate. As we dive into the "how" of self-love, remember that this daily journey is about progress, not perfection.

How do I love myself? Fool-proof steps toward unconditional self-love

1. Begin with Self-Acceptance

Unconditional self-love begins with self-acceptance. Accepting yourself the way you are right now; as a single woman in her 40’s, with a roommate, still trying to figure things out. This is a crucial foundation for lasting self-love.

Self-acceptance doesn’t mean slacking off, being an asshole to others, or never working on yourself/your goals. It means fully accepting your current state of being, while working for better daily because you choose to focus on what you can control. You can practice self-acceptance by:

Acknowledging your strengths and weaknesses with openness. You don't have to be perfect to be worthy of love. Start by listing qualities you admire in yourself, alongside things you may want to work on, recognizing that both are natural parts of you.

Practicing mindfulness to observe your thoughts without judgment. This helps you become aware of self-critical thoughts and shift to a more compassionate inner dialogue. (more details later)

2. Challenge Self-Critical Thoughts

In my practice I’ve come to realize that one of the biggest barriers to self-love is our inner critic. That persistent voice nit-picking at you; exaggerating the silly mistake you made 5 years ago, reminding you of your failed attempts at making friends, telling you your weird laugh is the reason you’ll die alone. (wild stuff)

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) emphasizes the importance of identifying and challenging these unhelpful thoughts that wreak havoc on our mental health, triggering rumination and causing us to start spiraling for no objective reason.

To help you challenge these critical thoughts;

Start recognizing negative self-talk when it arises. Are you blaming yourself harshly, using words you wouldn’t say to your dog, let alone your friend? Awareness is the first step in challenging these thoughts.

Replace harsh self-talk with a hefty dose of compassion. We cannot control the thoughts that pop into our heads, but we can control how we respond to and interpret them. Instead of thinking, "I always mess things up," try, "I am learning, and it's okay to make mistakes along the way." Sounds more hopeful and less miserable doesn't it?

3. Nurture Your Physical Self

Taking care of your body is a way of showing yourself respect and love. Think about it, being a couch potato on a soda and fries diet every evening after work, may be justified by "I deserve this". But it doesn't say much about "I love my body and I care what I put in or do with it" now does it?

Physical well-being supports mental health, boosts confidence, and is a tangible way to practice self-love. While we all have our binge cycles and phases which is part of the crazy package of being human, what matters is noticing when you're out of sync with yourself physically and taking small steps to find your way back to what feels normal for you.

To nurture your physical health;

Exercise regularly to release endorphins and improve mood. Whether it's daily 15minute home workouts with the free Nike club app, or hitting the gym twice a week; find an activity you enjoy, so it feels like a reward rather than a chore.

Prioritize rest and proper nutrition. Sleep and balanced meals nourish your body and mind, helping you stay resilient and feel less foggy physically and mentally. Use an app like Opal to block social media apps that cause the usual aimless scrolling until 1:00am, so you can fall asleep at a godly hour.

Forcing yourself to eat broccoli everyday, or going on the latest diet fad (that'll only last 2 weeks if you're being honest) is the sure way to relapse into old patterns of eating. Rather being mindful of what you eat, prioritizing eating the foods you actually like will help you be consistent. Focusing on portion size, snacking on pistachios, or consistently including seasonal fruits with your breakfast daily, can make all the difference with your nutrition.

Celebrate your body for its capabilities rather than its appearance. Focus on what your body does for you daily—carrying you through life, enabling you to experience the world- rather than on your c-section scar or 4 pack that needs to become a 6 pack or else. Take this moment to say a big fat thank you to your body today!

4. Set Boundaries to Protect Your Energy

You need boundaries if you want to survive in this world, because people suck and setting healthy boundaries is essential for self-respect and self-love. When you protect your emotional, mental, and physical space, you honor your worth and teach others how to treat you.

Identify where your boundaries feel weak or compromised. Is it hard to say "no" to another episode, or to your mom when she shows up unannounced yet again? Are there relationships that drain you? Reflect on areas where you need more protection.

Communicate your needs assertively without guilt. Practice saying "no" gently but firmly. Remind yourself that honoring your limits is an act of self-love and you owe nobody an explanation for choosing to not go out for drinks, because you tend to overindulge when you do.

Is being boundary-less leaving you drained and super duper stressed? My free ebook Boundaries 101 will teach you how to set healthy boundaries with yourself and others, so you can take back control over your life.

5. Forgive Yourself for Past Mistakes

You’re probably still holding onto guilt, regret, or shame from God knows what/for how long and this is a common obstacle to self-love. Self-forgiveness is a powerful practice that frees you from the weight of past mistakes that if you really think about, has nothing to do with your life in this actual moment.

Acknowledge your past mistakes without judgment. Remember, everyone does stupid things, react impulsively and have less than ideal moments; they do not define your worth.

Practice a self-forgiveness mantra when feelings of regret arise. Say it out loud, "I forgive myself. I am growing and learning every day."

6. Cultivate Self-Compassion

Self-compassion involves treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer to your closest friend. It’s a way of saying to yourself, "I see your struggle, and I’m here for you."

Speak to yourself kindly, especially in challenging moments. Reassure yourself that it’s okay to struggle, to feel tired, or to ask for help, you’re not a robot. You have feelings that are valid and it's your right to feel them, not avoid. Don't take yourself or life too seriously either, feel free to laugh at yourself when the need arises.

Develop self-compassionate practices such as journaling. Write down comforting words or reflect on your achievements to remind yourself of your resilience and growth.

7. Practice Self-Care as an Act of Love

Self-care may be an overused term, yet it's a powerful way to show yourself love and rekindle your creative spark. While often associated with pampering, retail therapy or long warm baths while listening to nature sounds. True self-care also includes attending to your emotional and psychological needs.

Identify daily habits that nourish your soul. These can be as simple as taking a walk, taking pottery classes as a new hobby, meditating, or reading another Donna Lancaster book. If it doesn't involve a screen, even better.

Create a self-care routine that aligns with your needs and lifestyle. Schedule time for laughter, try a new recipe, remember that consistency matters more than intensity.

8. Let Go of Comparison

You need to delete your Instagram.

Seriously, comparing yourself to others can erode your self-esteem and disrupt self-love, sending you down a self-loathing roller coaster. I can't stress enough how embracing your unique journey helps you cultivate an authentic and positive self-image. Nobody will do it like you, ever!

Ask yourself; “How does this person/thing affect my future?” Most of the time, whatever you’re comparing yourself to has absolutely nothing to do with you. And if you look at it objectively, you realize how silly, time consuming and energy draining comparison is.

Focus on your personal growth. Doesn't matter how shitty you feel about your life is, you've come a mighty long way considering where you started from. Remembering this will help you see your progress, so you can set goals based on your values and dreams, rather than on the perceived success/achievements of others. (Everyone is struggling in one area of life or the other)

Limit social media use or unfollow accounts that spark feelings of inadequacy. With social media platforms designed to get you addicted, it makes total sense to have a strategy for your social media usage.

The worst thing you can do is to open social media immediately you wake up, because you cannot predict what you will see and how it will set the tone for your day. Limit social media use with apps like Opal, curate an environment that reinforces positivity and self-love, take back control over what you consume/feed your mind.

9. Celebrate Small Wins

Small victories are meaningful markers of progress. You didn’t order junk food today after a 3-month binge? Celebrate yourself! You managed to do a 15 minute yoga at home, after skipping the gym for over a month? Pat yourself on the back. Recognizing these achievements is a way of affirming your worth and capabilities, so you can continue to move in that positive direction.

Acknowledge small wins daily. Did you complete a task you’ve been avoiding? Give yourself credit. Reward yourself in small ways, like enjoying a favorite treat or taking a few minutes to relax, as a way to honor your effort and growth.

Make gratitude a habit. If you really think about it, you have a lot to be grateful for. Life may not be sunshine and rainbows all the time, but it could be worse, so practice gratitude, gratitude, gratitude!

10. Seek Support When Needed

Self-love doesn't mean handling everything on your own. Sometimes, the deepest form of self love is acknowledging you need help and going a step further by asking for it. Recognizing when you need help is an act of self-respect and compassion.

Reach out to friends, family, or therapists when you need support. Sharing burdens can lighten them and help you see things from new perspectives.

Consider therapy as a space to work through self-criticism, low self-worth, or past trauma. A therapist can provide valuable guidance on your journey to self-love.

Need to talk to a therapist? Get in Touch!

Building Self-Love Habits for the Long Term

Developing a foundation of self-love takes time, patience, and insane persistence, but it can be done. Incorporating self-love practices into your daily routine is crucial for making them stick. Here are a few ways to integrate these principles into your life long-term:

1. Create a daily self-love ritual. Spend five minutes each morning reflecting on a positive quality or a recent accomplishment.

2. Set monthly self-love goals. For example, work on self-compassion in January, focus on boundary-setting in February, and so on.

3. Track your progress. Use a journal to reflect on your self-love journey, noting positive changes, challenges, and areas for continued growth.

4. Return to your values. Keep a list of personal values as a reminder of your unique strengths and qualities. This can help when self-doubt arises.

Common Questions About Self-Love

How do I know if I love myself?

Self-love is often felt as a sense of inner peace, acceptance, and confidence. You’ll know you’re on the path to self-love when you find yourself speaking kindly to yourself, honoring your boundaries, and feeling less reliant on external validation.

Can I love myself if I have a lot of flaws?

Absolutely. Unconditional self-love is about accepting yourself as you are, flaws and all. Remember, perfection is not a requirement for self-worth and loving yourself with all your flaws will inspire you to work positively on yourself.

What if I don’t feel like I deserve self-love?

This is a common feeling, often rooted in past experiences or negative beliefs. Take small steps, like practicing self-compassion or journaling, and remind yourself that everyone deserves love—including you.

Embracing self-love as a lifelong practice

Self-love is not a destination but an ongoing journey, one that evolves as you do. Embracing yourself with kindness and compassion isn’t always easy, but it is deeply rewarding. By understanding that self-love is not contingent on achievements or external approval, you give yourself the freedom to be imperfect and human.

As you continue to ask, "How do I love myself?" remember that the answer lies within you. By cultivating practices that honor your worth, forgiving yourself, and embracing self-compassion, you’ll find that self-love can be an empowering force in your life, guiding you toward greater joy, resilience, and peace. Hallelujah!